Scary MoVie (2013)
“No laughs to be found here.”
GRADE: 1/5 Stars
by Richard Rey
The movie theatre I frequent has a Dine-In option. How anyone could possibly stomach this film while eating baked clams is beyond me. I picture open mouths with spaghetti dangling over the lips of stunned audience members, shocked by how incredibly disgusting and unfunny this eighty-five minute punishment is. A meatball being hacked up like a fur ball from an old fogy in the front. Can you see it? That’s the typical raunchy serving of the Scary Movie platter. Cold cinematic cafeteria pig slop. Oh, and a side-serving of goat testicles.
The menu includes: Sped up footage of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan in the sack having vaudeville porn sex; Snoop Dogg discussing the burning sensation he gets from shampoo entering his pee-hole; Ashley Tisdale using a Pregnancy App on her iPhone by wizzing on it; Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes punching Simon Rex time and time again. And in case that wasn’t enough: pans hitting faces, chicken decapitations, dildos, obese Mexican maids in bikinis, pool vacuums throwing poolside keggers, a baby’s head aflame, German Shepherd sex fantasies involving poodles, Santa’s ass, female masturbation using pineapples and lamps, a grunting dog-daughter sticking popsicle sticks up her rear end and a terribly executed narrative from a Morgan Freeman wannabe.
The plot (if you can even call it that) involves Jody (Tisdale) and Dan (Rex) adopting two disturbed little girls that insist that Mama exists. Jody is a ballerina trying to become the Black Swan while Dan spends his time at a research facility studying apes that will inevitably Rise (wink wink). Every single sped up sequence in the life of this couple (and there are loads of them) suggests one Paranormal Activity after another. Somehow, an Inception might help out with the disturbance and the conclusion to it all: Mama falling to her death after her very own dog-faced daughter lockjaws her neck.
The film is a bloody bowel movement caught on camera. I would call the laughs cheap except that they cost me two bucks apiece; eight pesos for four airy snorts. It’s stupid funny minus the funny. I’d like to recommend that you make a YouTube video where you take the eight dollars you’d spend on the movie and wipe your hindquarters with it because it would be shorter and much more entertaining to watch. But alas, I won’t since that would require stooping to its level of disgust. But seriously. Do it. Save some time and cash and get famous. It is only a notch above movie 43 because it attempts to spoof something. That said, if your cup of tea was the ball-licking “humor” of movie 43, you’ll love this perverted Malcolm D. Lee film.
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence and gore
Runtime: 85 min
Director: Malcolm D. Lee
Writer: Pat Proft, David Zucker and 6 other credits.
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen
Theatrical Release Date: April 12th, 2013